The First BBQ Of Summer

“I don’t know why the chicken cooked so fast” I said as I looked down at the charcoal lumps of what used to be a jerk-style chicken thigh. It was hard to differentiate the chicken from the coal infact. Liv took a deep breath in and sucked her bottom lip in. Visually withholding the insult that I knew would eventually come. I rolled a fag, blinking, waiting for it to spill out of her. Then it came, she held it in approx 6 seconds. A new record. She burst out laughing, head fell back, incapable of holding back her wicked tongue “babe it was still WALKING”. There it was. The insult, the burn. I thought she hadn’t noticed the fact it was still kinda raw, but of course she had.

This is true though, even I had to admit the chicken was burnt to a crisp on the outside and the inside was barely cooked. I could hear Gordon Ramsey scream “ITS FUCKING RAWWWWW”. I had nothing to throw back so instead took a defeated swig of beer and rolled another disgruntled cig. I always claim to be the bbq queen, which is partially true as I can always make an instant fire – but the actual cooking part…..yeahhhhh not so great.

I’d spent all day prepping halloumi skewers, prawn skewers, jerk chicken thighs that in my excitement I just threw them on the bbq without consideration of cooking times. My girlfriend is incredibly hard to please to say the least. I bought this cous cous that I thought she liked but she just flicked it around her plate and said there was something about it that she didn’t like but couldn’t quite put her finger on.

I bought this jalapeño coleslaw which I thought she’d love, but told me it was “so-so”. The chicken, as you are aware, she claims it was still walking. The prawns were over cooked…but nice. She liked the halloumi though. I could hear the disappointed squeaks as she chewed on. 1 point to me. *takes another lonnnng drag of ones cigarette*.

I don’t profess to be an excellent cook, but where I lack in cookery skills I make up for in enthusiasm. But even enthusiasm dies down after a while. Thank god for magnum ice creams aye? That made things better. I would fully recommend the new double raspberry ones. We all approve of those.

The moral of this one? Don’t claim to be a cook and dare to cook chicken. No one wants a hot girl summer of salmonella and food poisoning. Stay groovey.