The Horizontal Christmas Tree

Well, 1 millions ciggies, approximately 8 mental breakdowns and a horizontal Christmas tree brings me to this weeks blog.

I’ve always loved Christmas, it’s my fave time of a year, everything about it is just amazing. (After all what’s not to love? Crippling yourself to buy pressies, getting fatter from the food overload, everywhere rammed with people, things go up in cost and electricity bills tazzed… I could go on) this year I decided I wanted a real Christmas tree. There are multiple reasons as to why I wanted a real one opposed to an artificial one. The list is as follows:

-I have minimal storage to keep an artificial one all year round

-I’ve never had a real one and wanted to see what the excitement was about

-They allegedly smell Christmassy (Although, i beg to differ)

-Why decorate a fake tree corpse when you can have a real rotting one?

So, low and behold I went to several different locations to find ‘the one’. At all the different places I went too, I felt like a spoilt, modern day Goldilocks, hands on hips moaning that all these trees were either ‘too big or too small’. People stopped helping me after a while as they were over enthusiastically lifting all these trees, “how about this one?!”, smiling through the sweat and pain. Disregarding every one and leaving empty handed and disheartened, my quest for a ‘middle sized’ tree was resolved (like always) by a visit to IKEA. (Why is Ikea just the answer to all life’s problems?)

Anyway it was a freezing, rainy day. My nips could have cut GLASS standing in line to get this tree. Hair wet stuck to my moon head, severely underdressed for the weather I looked a picture let me tell ya. Dithering, I handed my £25 over to the lady in the little hut and went to pick my tree. I was waiting ages, partially because I had no idea what to do. In the end, a geeza came over and was like “you gonna pick a tree or what” I was waiting to be SERVED! Never mind, because of the state I looked and the weather, I saw this pre-netted tree on the floor and was like “I’ll just have that one”. Also it’s worth mentioning I bought a little plastic anchor that apparently would fit ‘any tree’ bought at ikea. (HA)

The lad looked at me after loading this tree onto a trolley and then looked at the plastic thing I was holding… then at the tree again, then back to me. But said absolutely nothing. Bit weird, but anyway I ran back to my car with the trolley, loaded it into boot and drove home.

Now this tree was deceptively, absolutely fucking humongous. I squeezed it into this plastic anchor, the crunching noises it made were terrifying (and the normal person would have quit coz it obviously didn’t fit) but nevertheless I persevered in the erecting of this tree (uh there’s a first time for everything enitttt). I STEPPED BACK, and my tree, now I’m not even lying here, was horizontal. Absolutely massive and fucking horizontal. I once again resumed my position of hands on hips, (shouting this time though) “WHAT THE FUCK”. I allowed time for a quick cig, still staring, head tilted to the side to take in this monstrosity I had just bought home.

I had to recruit the help of a volunteer-forced friend, who I have to say solved the issue by rather resourcefully using a doc Martin boot and my book box to level the thing back out. Now it’s only, ever so slightly leaning but manageable to the human eye. It’s now decorated and twinkling looking festive and huge, like most people after Christmas dinner.

Hope you all have your decorations up STRAIGHT.

Happy Holidays

Ya slightly festive spinster